My 4-year-old daughter has been extra strong-willed and defiant lately. I know that it is normal for kids to test their limits (and their parents patience), but it is how strong-willed she is that gets to me the most. Thinking about my spats with my daughter makes me think back to my own testing of wills with my mother. My relationship with my mom is still not the best and not exactly what I desire, but at least we have some sort of understanding.
When I was in first grade and my sister, K, was in Kindergarten, my mom decided that my sister would look good with a perm in her hair. This was also in the '80s, and my mom permed her hair for way longer than was popular. She had just a little perm solution left and didn't want to waste it, so she wanted to use it to just perm my bangs. I did not want any part of my hair permed, let alone just my bangs. We got into a big argument (as was pretty common). I told her that I liked my hair and didn't want it permed. She just didn't want to waste the perm solution. She won, as she was a lot bigger than me and, even though I was stubborn, I was pretty obedient. I had to deal with just curly bangs, which I thought looked stupid. My sister had to deal with a full head of home permed hair, which wasn't much of an improvement over my hair.
My sister, D, had a security baby doll for years that she was pretty rough with. She used to drag it around by the hair, so her hair eventually was stuck in kind of a faux hawk. One day, while we were at school, my mom decided that she didn't like to look at the doll in our room and threw it away. Granted, when my kids break a toy, I throw it away, but other than having a permanent bad hair day, the doll was not broken, and D was very attached to it.
I believe that my mom saw my sisters and I as an extension of herself, and not our own selves with our own opinions and all. She liked certain styles, therefore, we had to, also. She didn't like other things, so therefore, we couldn't, either.
My favorite color is pink, and my daughter, K's, favorite color is bright purple. In a way, these colors sum us up. I really like light pink. It's subtle, yet pretty. My daughter is bold and vibrant. I try to consider what she would like when purchasing her clothes or anything else. I even correct my relatives when they are considering buying her anything. I know that she'd appreciate any new gift, but probably more so if it were also her favorite color. I actually resisted pink for a long time, and my favorite color was blue, though that may have been to spite my mom and resist wearing the pink that my mom forced on me. She believes that all girls should like pink. I believe that she would say that it is her favorite color, though I don't really think it is.
My hubby and I are redoing our kids' rooms, which is probably why my mom is on my mind more lately. My mom would redecorate the bedroom that my sisters and I shared whenever the mood struck her. She would see an idea in a magazine or in a movie and would redo our room without consulting us. Our room was redecorated a few times and I don't think any of us liked it, and I'm sure I told her so. I don't remember saying anything, but I wouldn't have put it past my younger self. I distinctly remember having bear and clown wall paper and then later it was painted mustard yellow.
I still don't like clowns or that shade of yellow. Had she consulted my sisters and I, we would have expressed our distaste before anything was done, instead of after she had put in all of the work to surprise us. It was a very vicious cycle with my mom. She'd like an idea and force it on us as hard as she could, and my sisters and I would tell her we didn't like it. She'd then play the martyr because she'd worked all day on redoing our room, just for us to tell her that we hated it. I can now partially see her side, as repainting a bedroom by yourself isn't easy. However, is it really a gift when someone sneaks into your room and paints it in ugly colors?
I did ballet when I was younger. I had always pictured my daughter doing ballet, just as I had. K did ballet last year. She enjoyed dressing up in the frilly outfit. Other than that, I suspect that she hated it. She said she enjoyed it, but she didn't like doing the precise movements and paying so much attention. There was just too much little and graceful movement for my bold and active daughter. My mom would have forced my sisters and I to continue. I found a gymnastics class for her to join, instead, and she loves it! There is much more running around and more movement. It is such a better fit for her, which makes me happy.
My hubby and I are including our kids in our redecorating brainstorming. Granted, we are working within a budget, so some of their ideas are a little more than we can afford (or just don't exist), like the (real) dragon my son wants or castle my daughter wants to live in.
Looking back on my strained relationship with my mom, I can see both sides of the arguments, as I have come to understand my mom (though I still don't usually agree). All I can do is try to understand that, although my daughter is not just an extension of me, she definitely inherited my stubbornness, as I did from my mom.
Thanks for reading!
- Vanessa
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